Ever Wonder How

Ever wonder how exhausting it must be to be a man? I just wonder this because as I sit here to vent, he snores. I came home from work, cleaned the kitchen, determined and made dinner, sorted all the laundry,  started to wash laundry, picked up house, opened, sorted, read, and put away mail, loaded and ran dishwasher, folded load of laundry & started new load, hand washed left over dishes, emptied clean dishwasher, folded another load of laundry & started a new one, served him dinner, ate said dinner, cleaned plates from dinner and washed all dishes associated with said dinner, folded yet another load of laundry & started yet another. I hang up his last uniform shirt and what do I find, two d@%Π pens that he left in the arm of his uniform shirt. Now it's (hopefully not, but more than likely) ruined yet another uniform, stained the inside of my, did I mention, brand new dryer, and caused me more undue stress. All during this time he sat on the couch and watched tv. I want to be able to able to sit on the couch and watch tv, yes he worked today, so did I. I'll give him credit, he did mow the front of the lawn, it needed it and certainly had to be done before we got a freaking letter from the flipping HOA, but I'd still like to sit on the couch for more than 10 min. To add insult, as I'm sitting on the floor of my laundry room, scrubbing until my arms hurt the stains in the dryer (cause by aforementioned pens left in uniform) he comes in and says "Your not coming to bed tonight." And then huffs off into the bedroom...... oh...... my....... just ....... breathe....... needless to say, I could not get the ink off the inside of my dryer, and I sit here, listening to him snore, wondering if we'll ever be on the same page when it comes to what we each consider pulling our own weight. It frustrates me becauae I swear, he must think it happens on his own. He says to me that I never had to clean this much while he was deployed, well, ya, I didn't have another grown adult leaving his shoes all over the place, leaving cereal bowls in the sink with cereal hardened to a crust on the bowl, or taking something, anything out of it's place, and then leaving it where evere he used it last. The only mess I had to clean up after was my own, and I pick up after myself. Sure I devised a new, way less efficient method of reading the mail and making stacks out of bills, keep & file, shred, and trash,  but it was mine. I don't know, we are 8-9 months into the reintegration thing, and I'm pretty sure I/we suck at it. I just want my husband that picked up after himself and helps out back. I am tired of asking, begging, yelling, lecturing, nagging, and pulling teeth to just get him to do what is needed of him around here. Just because I was able to do it all by myself while he was in Iraq, doesn't mean I want to. If I wanted that I'd still be single. And who wants to go back, I wouldn't even want to wonder whatvit would be like,  but I still wonder how he can be so tired, from relaxing tonight.

Have a great night ya'll

Sent via DROID on Verizon Wireless

After the "new" wears off again...

It's been a while..... well, it's been too long actually. I've been so self centered, worrying about how things will be once TS comes home. And he is, soon. I am so overjoyed that he will be home soon, to help take over the chores of the newly purchased house, and share, once again, the wedded bliss we have so missed. I am also looking forward to having him here when I have my surgery on my stupid foot. It will be an amazing help, and such a comfort, if only the Army can get him here before the surgery. I'm mostly worried about how things are gonna go after the "new" wears off again.

We all remember that stage of wedded bliss, or relationship bliss. The stage where you stop shaving your legs, getting up early to brush your hair, let alone your teeth before they wake up. And we all know that's WAY before the "letting go" of them leaving their boots and socks all over your house/apartment/cottage/loft/ whatever has passed. That time when you really learn about the other person, when the "OM MY GOD if he leaves another dish in the sink I might actually kill him/smother him in his sleep/poison his food." (no?!?! just me???? whatever!). Don't lie, you know you've been there, if you haven't then bless you, you're still in the beginning stages of your relationship, where it's all shiny, sparkling, and new. For those of us who have, and I say us loosely, because I am still considered a "new" wife, but like one of my FAV LTC's told me, that being married during a deployment, the years are like dog years, you know what I am talking about. When they leave their "stuff" ("Hey where's all my stuff?" or "Hey, what did you do with my stuff?" ) stuff = their crap, electronics, cables, cords, plugs, remotes, special fabric to be used to clean the damn TV screen, ALL OVER YOUR (both of your's) HOUSE. I find this one particularly interesting. My Love, my handsome hubby, the man that I love more than anyone in the world, used to get "stuff" out to use for whatever particular reason, and then would leave "it" out. I would pick up, at that time I was unemployed and had, quite literally, NOTHING better to do, and I would put "it" somewhere. Now, had "it" been my "stuff" I would have know where "it" came from and put "it" away where "it" rightfully belonged, but since "it" wasn't mine, I put "it" where "it" made logical sense....... to me. And when I was faced with that ever frequent and frustrating question "hey, babe, where'd you put my "stuff"?" I would say, I don't know, maybe if you put it away, you'd know where it was. Anyhow, long story short, cause I am rambling now, we determined one specific drawer, and I put all his crap "stuff" that was left out in there, and WHALA, he could find "it" once again.

See that long, drawn out, overly narrative, but totally logical statement was to highlight that we no longer have that drawer(literally and figuratively). Everything is different now. Heck, last time he was home (other than RNR), that was before this house and an apartment in the middle. Two "homes" ago. So what I am exhaustingly getting to is we have to figure out the "drawer" where all the "stuff" goes. If that makes sense, cause it does to me, and well, that's all that matters here anyhow. Ya ya, self centered at the moment. As Kathy Griffith would say, "suck it".  I just can't help but wonder how long it's going to take us to find that proverbial drawer. And how much things have changed, for both of us, I've gotten a job, moved once by myself, searched for and bought us a house, moved into that house by myself (ok, with help, both times, from a brother that is a saint when it comes to moving, but that is all together another blog moment) dyed my hair multiple colors (what I do when I get bored), told the stylist never to let me cut bangs..... cut bangs..... went back today to change colors again and get a trim..... and remind her that I told her NOT to let me cut bangs.

He's been away, completely devoid of all things "normal". He doesn't know when trash day is, what days we are "allowed" to water the grass, how much I truly have been fighting the dreaded crabgrass (I've come to the conclusion that crabgrass is the DEVIL - more on that later), how many spiders I had to kill by myself, how many times I left dishes in the sink, just like I used to yell at him about. So many things have come and gone, and he's been in a holding pattern for the last year.

Well, I truly have to go to bed now, I have to be up early to SRP a bunch of soldiers at 0700. I can only hope that when TS gets out of this holding pattern AKA Iraq, he hasn't seen too much turbulence,  had too many inflight meals, or brought home too much baggage. Don't get me started on foot lockers.

"You know what you got into"

Against my better judgement, I will write this. SO, for those of you who don't know, and are civilians, it is NEVER appropriate to remind me, or any other spouse of a deployed service member that we "knew what we were getting into". YES we did know, but the necessity on your part to make such a stupid statement, when you have absolutely no clue what we go through, is well, less than intelligent.
But I want to talk to the other MIL spouses, those that are actually allowed to make that otherwise retarded statement. YOU did now what you got into when you married your soldier. You knew that you were marrying a soldier and, more than likely, in the political climate of the world today, that means they were going to deploy. Well, they did, and that is wonderful that they are there when their country calls. I admire the patriotism! Listen carefully, STOP BITCHING about the GD ARMY!!!! And how thankful that you will be when this is over!!!! Yes, I know, I know, I set up this blog to vent my frustrations about deployment, and there are quite a few, I'll give you that. But how about having some form of pride for what your spouse is doing? Stop blaming the Army for freaking everything, they did not force your spouse to sign up, they were not made to become part of the Army when they turned 18, we have a VOLUNTEER Army here in America, which, I know this may shock you, your spouse VOLUNTEERED for. Maybe you need to take another look at that, and stop blaming the Army for everything that goes wrong in your life. Be thankful for all that it has provided you or your spouse, and have some pride in it. MAYBE, Just maybe, you need to take a look at everything else, look deeper into things and figure out who really is to blame for your husband not getting promoted, or his extension, or his miserable experience. It's kinda like looking into a mirror, except you will see the truth about your situation, and not the fabricated one that you've made up in your head, or your spouse has made up. Yes, being married to someone in the military is difficult, but you married them. If you did not want to be married to a soldier, well, then you shouldn't have married one. IF you thought you were going to get it any easier because you married a Guardsman or a Reservist, think again, because with not living on post and having to move every couple years comes the lack of benefits, not having that great retirement after 20 years, and not being promoted as quickly as the full-timers. That is the reality of your situation, try actually living it, embrace it, after all it is the life you CHOOSE!! Try accepting the choices you've made, and making the most of them. After all, your spouse has one of the most noble jobs, maybe try being a noble spouse.

Depressed? Angry? Tired of it?

So, my hubby thinks I'm depressed. REALLY? I am doing everything here at home. I've been doing it with one bad foot for 5 months and I'm pretty sure that my foot is stil not healed. I've been working my rear end off, going to school, found and bought us a house, moved into said house, and am now trying to decorate it. I am organizing a housewarming party for when he gets home, cause he wanted to have it then rather than later, and quite frankly, I'm tired! I'm tired of doing everything myself, I'm tired that my hubby hasn't been home, really home in 11 months. Oh ya, his LTC wanted him to work 2 hours from home for the few months before the deployment. I still have 3 months left on this tour. I am having a difficult week to say the least. I went to a wine festival, and never have I felt so alone. Usually I have no problems with going to any type of event, especially when I am going with other military families. None of these that I went with were in the midst of a deployment. I've never felt so completely alone in a large group of people. It sucked. I am one seriously cranky girl this week. I am ready to have my husband hone, to have some help, to see his face, to be "normal" again. He's been trying to cheer me up, but I'm just being mean, I don't mean to be, but it's like this nasty person has taken over my personality and I can't get rid of her. I am hoping it passes quickly, I don't want to be mean to him, or to anyone. I feel like garbage this week, and nothing is helping, not even cookies or wine. You KNOW that's a stretch when cookies or wine doesn't work.

Oh The Waiting

I'm waiting. Waiting to decorate, waiting to clean, waiting to organize, waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm kinda tired of waiting. But Wait I shall. All things that are worth anything, are worth waiting for.

Hubby will be home on RNR in less than a month (YEA) and I am high with anticipation. I am scared to see how we fit together, scared to see how he reacts to being home, the new home. See how he adjusts to my new friends that I NEEDED to make. How all the new people mesh with the old ones. 

I'm scared, scared that it will be weird when he comes, that we will struggle to find our niche again. It's like we are dating all over again and I am nervous all over again, it's a good nervous, but nervous none the less.

Sometimes I'm angry

ok, So I officially made it through the move, the cats are still reeling from it, and Maxwell gets lost when he goes upstairs, and doesn't know how to get down. I'm tired, tired, tired. I have homework that I want/need to get done, and still, more boxes to unpack. Sometimes I get angry about it though. I'm angry that he's not here to help. TO help me decide where to put things, which drawer he wants "that thing" to go in or "this thing" goes where? I'm trying to put things away the best I can, so it makes sense to him when he comes home, but I know that no matter where I put stuff, no matter how much I try to determine the logical spot for it, he's still not going to know where crap is when he gets home. I'm angry about that. I wish he were here to help me, not because I can't do it alone, but because I DON'T WANT TO. I'm tired, I am sure that I've mentioned it before, but I am. I am attempting to do a room at a time. Kitchen done, except for decorating, and all the empty boxes on the floor. Not to mention that the floor needs a good scrubbing! The people here before me were DIRTY. They did a decent cleaning job, but, not to my standards, I need to pour a gallon of bleach on the floor and mop with that so the grout gets cleaned. Then clean it with normal cleaning supplies. I am just ranting at this point. Tech keeps talking about all this stuff he wants to do when he gets home, and I am going to be so thankful when he is here to help. It'll be a much needed break. Well, I'm through complaining right now, I'm off to go organize the bathroom, then maybe I'll go dump that bleach on the floor... anyone have any suggestions for getting grout super clean?

OH BUT, I am super super happy that we've closed and we are officially into our first home!!!

In a weird place

So, Tech and I were talking tonight about the new house, things we want to do, room we want to decorate when I realized, that all that ground that we had covered as newlyweds, the "coming together" on decisions like, what kind, style, color, of dining room table to buy, how to decorate a room, where to put silverware in drawers, those things, all that ground we've covered and come to agreements, it's gone. The distance between our similarities at this exact moment might as well equal our physical distance. The only comfort that I have is that we've already walked this path, we've done this. It's a little different scenery, but we've done it already. We will get through this like we did before. We will because we love each other, and I swear this deployment has made us closer. It's forced us to actually work things out instead of just letting them go. We can't get too mad, because, what if something happens (GOD FORBID!!!!). It's just so hard knowing that we are both in two different places, in more than one way.

"WE" are buying a house

Soooo, buying a house while your husband is deployed it, let's say, hmm, exhausting. He's so excited about all the "stuff" he wants to do, install a brand new, tankless water heater (the current one is 3 years old and works just fine - I understand that there are benefits to a tankless, and eventually want one, but, the one we have works), put solar panels on the roof ( which I am SURE the HOA will have something to say about), redecorate, paint, change stuff, plant stuff, do STUFF. Now, please do not get me wrong (and you don't get me wrong either "TS" - Cause the hubs reads my blog), I DO want to do all these things eventually. Right now, I am just focusing on getting into the house. We haven't closed yet, I need to pack our entire house, by myself, and arrange for movers (cause you KNOW I am not doing it by myself), not to mention hire someone to come in and scrub baseboards, steam clean all the flooring, and just do a general DEEP clean, all while going back to school full time, and doing my job as a Family Readiness Support Assistant on a brigade level. A job which can be particularly demanding on my time because A. I live so far from the Armory in which I am imbedded (the reason for the move originally) and B. I believe that every single family in my Brigade deserves attention. Every unit deserves a functioning, positive, productive Family Readiness Group, and every commander deserves to have his soldier's families taken care of. So while I fully intend on completing all of the afore mentioned things, I am SURE that there will be a breakdown somewhere. I am just hoping it's a mild one, and I don't tick off too many people while I'm going through it. So each and every time I hear "honey, so I was talking to some of the guys and they said... (insert something that we "need" to do, which the thought will make me tired) I wanna yell, "STOP the make me crazy train". Is that breakdown starting already? Anyone wanna come pack my house for me?

Country Songs

So, as I am sitting here, trying to figure out how to make this Blog thing work properly, I am listening to music. WHY is it that every country song is about a soldier these days? Not that it's a bad thing, some of the songs are wonderful and uplifting.... doesn't mean they don't make you cry. And the Nickleback song... I'm about over it.