He's Home... now what?

So, TS has been home a month tomorrow and it's been strange needless to say. I had surgery two days before he got home and was in a wheelchair for the first two and a half weeks. Plus, my mom was here when he got home (hey, someone had to help me in and out of bed), she was a godsend. Anyhow, back to the honey. SO, he's been home and other than him complaining about being a house-husband, things are going well. Everyone around me seems to be getting pregnant, and well, that bothers me. Not because of their lack of parenting skills, but because of my sheer jealousy. I know we are in a crunch time right now. I am getting older and I don't want to me an old mom, good lord, I'm already going to bed at 10 on Fridays, but I don't want to rush with him just coming home. Anyhow, enough baby talk.

He is bored out of his mind, and I'm sorry for that, you have a ton of leave and it's just dumb to sell it all back unless you are a technician and well, he's not. He doesn't have a job, and says he wants one, but the good ones, the ADOS ones and AGR ones are not up for a few weeks when the new budget gets approved. So, he can't do that either. He is however, going crazy, sitting at home, doing laundry, cooking dinner, cleaning up the house. Funny part about it though is why does it take men SO MUCH LONGER to do what I can get done in a couple hours. It takes him the entire day to do two loads of laundry, empty and god forbid, load, a dishwasher, and maybe vaccuum. REALLY? I guess Men really don't know how to multi-task, or don't want to. :-) Well, that's all I got right now... I'm off to take a bath... rest the foot. Which is doing better by the way, still looks pretty funky. Once I figure out how to upload pictures, I will get on that.

After the "new" wears off again...

It's been a while..... well, it's been too long actually. I've been so self centered, worrying about how things will be once TS comes home. And he is, soon. I am so overjoyed that he will be home soon, to help take over the chores of the newly purchased house, and share, once again, the wedded bliss we have so missed. I am also looking forward to having him here when I have my surgery on my stupid foot. It will be an amazing help, and such a comfort, if only the Army can get him here before the surgery. I'm mostly worried about how things are gonna go after the "new" wears off again.

We all remember that stage of wedded bliss, or relationship bliss. The stage where you stop shaving your legs, getting up early to brush your hair, let alone your teeth before they wake up. And we all know that's WAY before the "letting go" of them leaving their boots and socks all over your house/apartment/cottage/loft/ whatever has passed. That time when you really learn about the other person, when the "OM MY GOD if he leaves another dish in the sink I might actually kill him/smother him in his sleep/poison his food." (no?!?! just me???? whatever!). Don't lie, you know you've been there, if you haven't then bless you, you're still in the beginning stages of your relationship, where it's all shiny, sparkling, and new. For those of us who have, and I say us loosely, because I am still considered a "new" wife, but like one of my FAV LTC's told me, that being married during a deployment, the years are like dog years, you know what I am talking about. When they leave their "stuff" ("Hey where's all my stuff?" or "Hey, what did you do with my stuff?" ) stuff = their crap, electronics, cables, cords, plugs, remotes, special fabric to be used to clean the damn TV screen, ALL OVER YOUR (both of your's) HOUSE. I find this one particularly interesting. My Love, my handsome hubby, the man that I love more than anyone in the world, used to get "stuff" out to use for whatever particular reason, and then would leave "it" out. I would pick up, at that time I was unemployed and had, quite literally, NOTHING better to do, and I would put "it" somewhere. Now, had "it" been my "stuff" I would have know where "it" came from and put "it" away where "it" rightfully belonged, but since "it" wasn't mine, I put "it" where "it" made logical sense....... to me. And when I was faced with that ever frequent and frustrating question "hey, babe, where'd you put my "stuff"?" I would say, I don't know, maybe if you put it away, you'd know where it was. Anyhow, long story short, cause I am rambling now, we determined one specific drawer, and I put all his crap "stuff" that was left out in there, and WHALA, he could find "it" once again.

See that long, drawn out, overly narrative, but totally logical statement was to highlight that we no longer have that drawer(literally and figuratively). Everything is different now. Heck, last time he was home (other than RNR), that was before this house and an apartment in the middle. Two "homes" ago. So what I am exhaustingly getting to is we have to figure out the "drawer" where all the "stuff" goes. If that makes sense, cause it does to me, and well, that's all that matters here anyhow. Ya ya, self centered at the moment. As Kathy Griffith would say, "suck it".  I just can't help but wonder how long it's going to take us to find that proverbial drawer. And how much things have changed, for both of us, I've gotten a job, moved once by myself, searched for and bought us a house, moved into that house by myself (ok, with help, both times, from a brother that is a saint when it comes to moving, but that is all together another blog moment) dyed my hair multiple colors (what I do when I get bored), told the stylist never to let me cut bangs..... cut bangs..... went back today to change colors again and get a trim..... and remind her that I told her NOT to let me cut bangs.

He's been away, completely devoid of all things "normal". He doesn't know when trash day is, what days we are "allowed" to water the grass, how much I truly have been fighting the dreaded crabgrass (I've come to the conclusion that crabgrass is the DEVIL - more on that later), how many spiders I had to kill by myself, how many times I left dishes in the sink, just like I used to yell at him about. So many things have come and gone, and he's been in a holding pattern for the last year.

Well, I truly have to go to bed now, I have to be up early to SRP a bunch of soldiers at 0700. I can only hope that when TS gets out of this holding pattern AKA Iraq, he hasn't seen too much turbulence,  had too many inflight meals, or brought home too much baggage. Don't get me started on foot lockers.

Scared

I'm scared of his return on RNR. Scared things will be different. I am not sure why I am scared, but I am. I am afraid things will be different, that we will not connect the way did before this deployment. Things will be different. We have both changed, scenery has changed, I have a job now, I have friends now, I have this life, that a has only included my husband in a box and on the other end of a crackly phone. That scares the crap out of me, and I am not sure how to deal with it. He is so excited to come home, I'm excited for him to come home. He says he's not worried about anything, except how I react.... no pressure there right? I am just feeling strange, needy, upset, anxious, but I'm happy and desperately want to see my husband, I miss him so much that it hurts me to my core. So then why then, do I feel this anxiety? This fear that my hubby is coming home and things will be so strange, so different. I don't like this feeling, I don't like it at all.

In a weird place

So, Tech and I were talking tonight about the new house, things we want to do, room we want to decorate when I realized, that all that ground that we had covered as newlyweds, the "coming together" on decisions like, what kind, style, color, of dining room table to buy, how to decorate a room, where to put silverware in drawers, those things, all that ground we've covered and come to agreements, it's gone. The distance between our similarities at this exact moment might as well equal our physical distance. The only comfort that I have is that we've already walked this path, we've done this. It's a little different scenery, but we've done it already. We will get through this like we did before. We will because we love each other, and I swear this deployment has made us closer. It's forced us to actually work things out instead of just letting them go. We can't get too mad, because, what if something happens (GOD FORBID!!!!). It's just so hard knowing that we are both in two different places, in more than one way.

Anticipating RNR & feeling selfish

SO, TechSupport will be home for RNR in a month or two and now starts the process of figuring out how to live with him while he's home, and then how to deal with him leaving again so quickly. Probably right after we've begun to get back into some kind of rhythm. Last time he was home for more than 6 days, I was unemployed. I couldn't wait for him to come home so we could talk and I had dinner ready, at 5:30. Pretty much every day. I'd wake up with him at 0:dark:30 to make have coffee & breakfast together. Somedays, I'd run up to base to have lunch with him. NOW, I'm in school (TY MYCAA) I have a job (that requires me to work weekends sometimes), I have WAY more friends than before. Not a lot, but I've got a few great ones. Now, I'm busy. I want want want to spend time with my husband, but the terrible thing is... I don't have it right now. I will be taking a break when he comes home on RNR from school and I'm talking time off work... but then what do we do? Well I forgot to throw in to the mix the house we are buying. And that's great, but I'm worried about the every day stuff. You're going to put the towel where? The cups don't go there, or that's not where we put the spar toilet paper. The little things. Tech Support and I, we've got the big stuff, I mean, I know that there will be some stuff with reintegration, but we talk about the heavy stuff. The "REALLY" important stuff, we talk about that. I'm not worried about that. I'm worried that when he puts those boots where I'm going to trip over them, or he puts the dishtowel in a place I can't find, or god forbid, I have to be accountable to someone else again, that is what I'm worried about. OH, I can't just "run off" to Target at 8pm and not notify anyone in my house that I'm going. I'm worried about the in's and the out's of being married again, you know, the stuff no one tells you when you get married. The little stuff, the stuff that could make you nuts if you let it.

I feel as if I should not complain AT ALL as I read another blog last night that tore my heart out and broke me down. I feel so deeply for a fellow blogger and can not imagine what she is going through right now. I am complaining about my hubby not putting things in the proper place when he's home, and she recently brought her soldier home, not in ANY WAY any military family EVER imagines of having to. Please keep her and their 2 month old baby girl in your heart, your thoughts, and your prayers. Here is her blog spot.....

http://alittlepinkinaworldofcamo.blogspot.com/2010/03/i-will-always-be-marine-wife.html

A moment of silence for CPL Jonathan Daniel Porto,  a lifetime of respect!