Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Depressed? Angry? Tired of it?
So, my hubby thinks I'm depressed. REALLY? I am doing everything here at home. I've been doing it with one bad foot for 5 months and I'm pretty sure that my foot is stil not healed. I've been working my rear end off, going to school, found and bought us a house, moved into said house, and am now trying to decorate it. I am organizing a housewarming party for when he gets home, cause he wanted to have it then rather than later, and quite frankly, I'm tired! I'm tired of doing everything myself, I'm tired that my hubby hasn't been home, really home in 11 months. Oh ya, his LTC wanted him to work 2 hours from home for the few months before the deployment. I still have 3 months left on this tour. I am having a difficult week to say the least. I went to a wine festival, and never have I felt so alone. Usually I have no problems with going to any type of event, especially when I am going with other military families. None of these that I went with were in the midst of a deployment. I've never felt so completely alone in a large group of people. It sucked. I am one seriously cranky girl this week. I am ready to have my husband hone, to have some help, to see his face, to be "normal" again. He's been trying to cheer me up, but I'm just being mean, I don't mean to be, but it's like this nasty person has taken over my personality and I can't get rid of her. I am hoping it passes quickly, I don't want to be mean to him, or to anyone. I feel like garbage this week, and nothing is helping, not even cookies or wine. You KNOW that's a stretch when cookies or wine doesn't work.
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8 comments:
A thousand people can say they understand, but that does not really help us during these times, I don't think. What I can tell you is that what was normal before is likely not what will be 'normal' from here forward. Feeling alone, yet personally, I can't stand being around people sometimes. I know the cranky girl you've met, she's been on my doorstep for several years now. In fact, a 'former' family psychologist told my husband he thinks I have a personality disorder (though that cranky girl is a manifestation of recent years). And no, wine and cookies quit helping a long time ago. Even when your sweetie comes home, all the external frustrations will not be magically fixed, and his presence will bring with it its own set of complications.
Sometimes it seems like noone else can really give us what we need right now. That is why it is terribly imperative that you are taking care of yourself-exercise (yoga has amazing affects on the mind and body), eat well, take a multivitamin, meditate, personal quiet time (or loud time, if that's your need)... the things that take care of the person inside you. They don't solve other problems, but you will feel better, and those external things won't feel so intense. I think all military spouses go through these stages, which can be magnified by not taking care of yourself.
I can not agree more with what you said. Many times I've been told to look to Yoga, I think I may need to. I try to take care of everyone else, make sure "everything is alright" and it's affecting me. I don't like this cranky girl that I've let in, it's not me, now I just gotta give her her eviction notice.
I don't like the cranky girl either, though I couldn't figure out how to evict her ;-) or make her go away. We always want the outside world to see who we really are inside, which cranky girl blocks.. did you ever see that movie "What a Woman Wants" with Mel Gibson? There's a scene where Mel Gibson comments about Helen Hunt's character's reputation, and she says mentally (not audibly) "But that's not who I am." Sometimes I think that sums up cranky girl. It's like making a one time mistake you know you'll never make again-that one mistake does not define who we are, but unfortunately, cranky girl has been with me long enough that all I can think is she is a part of me that I have to find ways to mitigate... Netflix is useful in that I can play many different yoga/pilates shows right on the computer screen, checking them out without buying the or waiting for the disk to arrive (since Blockbuster no longer carries exercise videos). If you find an eviction notice that works, I'd love to have a copy to try!
Sadly, I have learned that cookies and wine only take one so far. I have had that cranky girl and can say she can be a royal she-bitch when crossed. As now I am dealing with a whole new set of joyful issues with a wounded warrior, (as if the deployment shiite wasn't bad enough), I have even gone to a Psychiatrist to see if there were pills that would make me less "snappy," as I felt I was snapping at everyone. My hero, my family, etc.
Well, I can say Wellbutrin doesn't do jack for bitchiness, it doesn't make people any less of an asshole, and it doesn't make all of your problems go away. I have to say I didn't feel anything different on it except a bit more energy. That is it. Nothing miraculous as if a dark cloud lifted, nothing that made me want to embrace some of my annoying acquaintances and get in more social time..
Bottom line, things suck. People can suck, but its all in your "suckiness perspective" Kind of like a meter of 10 being the allmighty, this blows beyond anything that has blown before, to 1, just being "dang, that sucked."
Yoga does help. Managing your time to put that time in is a challenge. I had to add it on my calender in my iPhone so it would beep at me like another annoyance in my life. But it does help.
I started taking my vitamins again, this time adding B12. That is supposed to help with energy, clarity, and nerve support which all of us gals can use when the hero is away in a war zone.
My hugs to you all. I think a punching bag is going to be my next investment. It is good excercise, and a good stress release.
Warrior's Wife, it's really hard to admit when you're at the bottom, and I'm the ultimate egoist. Some days I don't even know how we're still together, after 4 deploymments, Korea, and every other miscellaneous absence that the army doesn't think is significant. Now I'm just in survival mode, and Cranky Girl is my savior. My soldier has become the enemy, and I can't find any miracles to make a difference.
Renee, Have you tried the punching bag? Letting Cranky Girl out from time to time, in a controlled setting may be exactly what the DR doesn't know how to order. I wish I could impart any wisdom that would make your soldier less of an enemy.... but alas, I am still wandering through the beginning of this maze. Us newbys look to those of you who this isn't your first Rodeo, in fact you've bought hte t-shirt, the book, and the tacky light up wand thing, for way to much money, have stored it in a closet, put it in a box, and sold it at a garage sale for $0.25. We look to the likes of you who have made it "this" far, and have somehow managed to keep "it" (whatever "it" is) together, at least a little bit... unless you tell me that you're still having fits at Target, then well, maybe we're all newby's and it never get's to be "old hat". :-)
We have a punching bag in our basement... it's been a while... A lot has changed. Did you ever watch "Legend of the Fall?" At the end the narrator says something about the bear inside Pitt's character quieting. That's what I've asked the angels for. And, they've been generous. Cranky girl is quiet (always a work in progress). DH & I had a rough time over the last few months, & I wondered if we would make it, for the first time in 13 years.
I follow the milspouse blogs, and yesterday, a spouse talked about the emotions we go thru when we find out about an impending deployment (or other misc. absence) & the time up until that deployment. Cranky girl, I think, has hit her.
In addition to couple's counseling & personal counseling, & really focusing on my own personal spirital growth, I can say that DH & I are in a better place than we were in June (though, he's still got the TBI & the PTSD that the Army thinks they can just give drugs for). I responded to the milspouse blog with a memory... a concept I'd forgotten.
"This is all common for all of us. The family dynamic does change, watching DH get ready, with one foot kind of out the door long before he ever gets on the airplane. But, as you said, this isn't good or bad. It just is. This is my life (after 4 deployments and a year in Korea and another impending deployment) and even though I do get tired of DH's constant in-and-out (just because he's not deployed, that doesn't mean he's at home), I know that we just have to do a better job at really making our time together special-couple time as frequently as possible! People don't make our lives-loving them does! That said, make your time with them as loving as possible and keep living life to the fullest! Families can be Army Strong too!!"
BTW, I've done yoga & meditation for over two years, but had lost the more active physical fitness habits. I've been told that meditation & yoga are great for grounding, but it truly takes something physical to release energy... I will have to re-engage Mr. Punching Bag!
DH and I have both made changes that will benefit our relationship & the family. & I have to always rewind to the fact that I would rather have this life with him (which includes TBI & PTSD, over & above deployments & other misc absences) over any other life without him.
Did you read about the general who was relieved from duty from Afghanistan (for talking smack to the press). In the article, (http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/17390/119236?RS_show_page=1) his wife expresses something I've become familiar with, but haven't taken well, though I'm a retired soldier myself:
"His wife, Annie, has joined him for a rare visit: Since the Iraq War began in 2003, she has seen her husband less than 30 days a year. Though it is his and Annie's 33rd wedding anniversary, McChrystal has invited his inner circle along for dinner and drinks at the "least Gucci" place his staff could find. His wife isn't surprised. "He once took me to a Jack in the Box when I was dressed in formalwear," she says with a laugh."
It goes back to, relationships are supposed to contribute to our lives, not make them, & certainly not take away from them. &, we would rather have this life together over any other life apart. So, we're getting the help we need to learn how to be a team under the ever-changing circumstances (PTSD and TBI, but also my own baggage & fears & insecurities & bad habits). &, I'm learning, all over again, how to be my own person, & to simply allow him to enhance my life, rather than expect him to make my life. I can't imagine how the general's wife has managed 30 years, but I want to be a military wife like her some day!
Thank you ReneeT.... Thank you. What you say is ever so true.... we must allow them to improve our lives, not make them. I can not agree with you more. Well said ma' lady, well said. With that I say go beat the hell out of your punching bag. My thoughts are with you, for as you are sending yours off yet again, I am bringing mine home, and already preparing for the next, inevitable tour. Keep smiling lady, keep smiling!
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